I really need The Bangles to get back together and record Pandemic Monday


(At Target buying tampons)

10 yr old son: Oh, YOU get something for yourself but I don’t get anything!


Me: Can you please move? I have no space

My husband: Where? There’s literally no room

Me: I hear Canada is nice


When cool people say “that shit is tight,” they mean it’s awesome but when I say it, please know it means I had too much cake for breakfast again


Sorry I jumped for joy, threw confetti and started popping bottles when you said you were going out for a little while.

My husband:


when someone you thought looked great for 50 announces they’re 41 there is no way to unfurrow your brow in time


(At a 5yr old’s birthday party)

Me: I can’t believe they scheduled this party during nap time. It really messes up our whole routine.

Another mom: Wow, your kid still naps?


Her: hello?

Me: Zzzzzz


Me: I’m sorry I misunderstood what you meant about roping you in.

HR manager: Thank you, can you untie me now please?

Me: And get dressed?

HR manager: And get dressed. Yes.