@not_delicate

Brings a loaf of bread to your knife fight because, work smarter not harder amirite?

@not_delicate

** Changes Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”

My husband:

@not_delicate

** Changes Facebook relationship status to “it’s complicated.”

My husband:

@not_delicate

[Looking at something funny on my phone]

Husband: Let me see?
Me: Of course. One second.

[Resets phone to factory settings]

Me: Here you go.

@not_delicate

Me: I’m sorry if I’ve been short tempered with you. I’m just worried about my boyfriend. I haven’t heard from him since yesterday and that’s not like him.

My husband:

@not_delicate

Me: I need an Ativan prescription please, for my children’s health.

Shrink: excuse me? We don’t prescribe that for children.

Me: No, I take the drug…. and my children stay alive.

@not_delicate

I decided to be faithful to my boyfriend. I think I’m really in love this time! I don’t recall ever feeling like this before.

My husband:

@not_delicate

My husband went to the market for the first time during Coronageddon.

Me: Don’t forget hand soap!
Him: OMG I won’t forget ffs!

{From the store}

Him via text: in line to pay!
Me: Did you get soap?
Him: I forgot to look.

This is why I have a boyfriend.

@not_delicate

“Oh yeah? Define obsessed,” I demand, as I pull my shirt back down to cover the tattoo of your face on my stomach

@not_delicate

You can’t control how people treat you but you can control your reaction, I say as I gently lower you into your grave