I really need The Bangles to get back together and record Pandemic Monday
(At Target buying tampons)
10 yr old son: Oh, YOU get something for yourself but I don’t get anything!
Okay, weigh me now
Me: Can you please move? I have no space
My husband: Where? There’s literally no room
Me: I hear Canada is nice
When cool people say “that shit is tight,” they mean it’s awesome but when I say it, please know it means I had too much cake for breakfast again
Sorry I jumped for joy, threw confetti and started popping bottles when you said you were going out for a little while.
I sexually identify as single
when someone you thought looked great for 50 announces they’re 41 there is no way to unfurrow your brow in time
(At a 5yr old’s birthday party)
Me: I can’t believe they scheduled this party during nap time. It really messes up our whole routine.
Another mom: Wow, your kid still naps?
Me: I’m sorry I misunderstood what you meant about roping you in.
HR manager: Thank you, can you untie me now please?
Me: And get dressed?
HR manager: And get dressed. Yes.