@not_delicate: Do something that scares you every single day.
And you'll probably die of a heart attack in a week.

*inspirational

@not_delicate: husband: Just tell me, is there someone else?

me: Of course not, Jim! What makes you think that?

husband: Well for starters, I'm David.

@not_delicate: If someone tells you they're burning for you, toss a pitcher of water in their face.

@not_delicate: *Carefully measures exactly one serving of potato chips into bowl.

*hands bowl to child, eats the rest

@not_delicate: A 3 year old at my son’s preschool asked me who’s grandma I am, so yes I’m getting botox Monday.

@not_delicate: Stick a fork in me so you know just how done we are

@not_delicate: Me: I close my office door every day and nap for an hour without anyone noticing.

Interviewer: I'm not sure I'd call that a 'strength.'

@not_delicate: Him: (sobbing) just tell me why you’re leaving me

Me: I’m just not ready for a serious relationship

Him: but... we’re married

Me: yeah I gotta go