@not_delicate

The sound of silence but it’s just me, tip-toeing back into my house after waking up on the lawn at 2am

@not_delicate

I really need The Bangles to get back together and record Pandemic Monday

@not_delicate

(At Target buying tampons)

10 yr old son: Oh, YOU get something for yourself but I don’t get anything!

@not_delicate

Me: Can you please move? I have no space

My husband: Where? There’s literally no room

Me: I hear Canada is nice

@not_delicate

When cool people say “that shit is tight,” they mean it’s awesome but when I say it, please know it means I had too much cake for breakfast again

@not_delicate

Sorry I jumped for joy, threw confetti and started popping bottles when you said you were going out for a little while.

My husband:

@not_delicate

when someone you thought looked great for 50 announces they’re 41 there is no way to unfurrow your brow in time

@not_delicate

(At a 5yr old’s birthday party)

Me: I can’t believe they scheduled this party during nap time. It really messes up our whole routine.

Another mom: Wow, your kid still naps?

Me:

Her: hello?

Me: Zzzzzz