I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
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The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.