@not_delicate

I convinced my husband to start going to the gym, and now he’s all in shape and looking hot!!
So… any takers?

@not_delicate

Dance like everyone is watching and secretly recording you in a video that is bound to go viral for all the wrong reasons

@not_delicate

Do something that scares you every single day.
And you’ll probably die of a heart attack in a week.

*inspirational

@not_delicate

husband: Just tell me, is there someone else?

me: Of course not, Jim! What makes you think that?

husband: Well for starters, I’m David.

@not_delicate

If someone tells you they’re burning for you, toss a pitcher of water in their face.

@not_delicate

*Carefully measures exactly one serving of potato chips into bowl.

*hands bowl to child, eats the rest

@not_delicate

A 3 year old at my son’s preschool asked me who’s grandma I am, so yes I’m getting botox Monday.

@not_delicate

Me: I close my office door every day and nap for an hour without anyone noticing.

Interviewer: I’m not sure I’d call that a ‘strength.’

@not_delicate

Him: (sobbing) just tell me why you’re leaving me

Me: I’m just not ready for a serious relationship

Him: but… we’re married

Me: yeah I gotta go