Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
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Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Ape together strong
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.