Ken is short for chicken
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry