[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
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Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
That’s incredible! 👌
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
next level snooze
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
lmfao
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.