My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
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[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
much to think about
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
are there any atheist mantises?
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.