Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of notalogin's best tweets

@notalogin : Wife: You're shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in...oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

@notalogin: [God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

@notalogin: Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it's still right here.

@notalogin: The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan

@notalogin: Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they're good jokes

@notalogin: Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I've got this.

@notalogin: Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

@notalogin: Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

@notalogin: People who say "go big or go home" seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it's literally my only goal for most of the day.

@notalogin: Dog: I'm a man's best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you're not gonna win this one.