What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
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Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
i want to work in this restaurant
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.