@notbedelia

If you play Titanic backwards it’s about a guy who rises from the sea, bangs a ginger and tries to throw her over the railing of a boat.

@notbedelia

If you squint, Pitbull looks like a grown up Tommy Pickles from Rugrats.

@notbedelia

My bank account has 7 figures but 6 of them are to the right of the decimal point.

@notbedelia

911: what’s your emergency?

M: I’m out of ketchup.

911: miss I don’t think u get how 911 works.

M: I DONT THINK U GET HOW HOT DOGS WORK

@notbedelia

When your wife says she needs a new broom it’s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.