An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
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[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket