Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
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Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Never forget.