I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
me: you know, no dressing.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.