Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play