Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
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I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*