He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
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There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I have never related to anyone more.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
HOW DARE YOU