here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
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[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
mom gave me mine for free
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.