Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
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I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.