@notviking

every night before we put our dog in his kennel me and my girlfriend pretend we are sentencing him to prison for a different crime. she always jails him for crimes like being too cute or aggravated fluff while i sentence him for things like conspiracy to commit arson or fraud

@notviking

me: i’m looking to sell this gun, can you do $400

pawn shop owner: i can do $250

me: [cocking gun] how about now

pawn shop owner: well now that i see that it works yeah i could do $400

@NOTVIKING

freezing my bottle of water so that when i go to the airport later i can get it through security because it’s technically not a liquid

@NOTVIKING

me: so what do you do

date: i’m a head chef at a restaurant

me: [visibly scared] d-do you grill them or boil them

@notviking

[first day as a train conductor]

coworker: you the new guy?

me: yeah, i guess you could say i’m in train-ing

coworker:

me: so far this job is off the rails

coworker:

me: so what do you guys do to let off steam

coworker: [sighing] okay that one was pretty good

@notviking

here are my new year’s resolutions:

• start going to the gym every day
• cut out sweets
• take some acting classes
• get that tattoo of an eye removed from my ankle
• marry violet in an attempt to secure the baudelaire orphans’ immense fortune

@NOTVIKING

on halloween we dress up as skeletons but every other day of the year our skeletons dress up as us

cop: you know you have the right to remain silent right

@notviking

me: what your biggest fear?

date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic

me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?

@notviking

date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock

me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too

date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?

me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary