every night before we put our dog in his kennel me and my girlfriend pretend we are sentencing him to prison for a different crime. she always jails him for crimes like being too cute or aggravated fluff while i sentence him for things like conspiracy to commit arson or fraud


me: i’m looking to sell this gun, can you do $400

pawn shop owner: i can do $250

me: [cocking gun] how about now

pawn shop owner: well now that i see that it works yeah i could do $400


freezing my bottle of water so that when i go to the airport later i can get it through security because it’s technically not a liquid


me: so what do you do

date: i’m a head chef at a restaurant

me: [visibly scared] d-do you grill them or boil them


[first day as a train conductor]

coworker: you the new guy?

me: yeah, i guess you could say i’m in train-ing


me: so far this job is off the rails


me: so what do you guys do to let off steam

coworker: [sighing] okay that one was pretty good


here are my new year’s resolutions:

• start going to the gym every day
• cut out sweets
• take some acting classes
• get that tattoo of an eye removed from my ankle
• marry violet in an attempt to secure the baudelaire orphans’ immense fortune


on halloween we dress up as skeletons but every other day of the year our skeletons dress up as us

cop: you know you have the right to remain silent right


me: what your biggest fear?

date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic

me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?


date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock

me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too

date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?

me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary