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The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Everything reminds me of my ex
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.