The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
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You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Fat chances are my favorite chances
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months