Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
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In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
handsome & gretel
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!