If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
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Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I want what they have
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing