Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
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Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
OH. COME. ON.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?