@novicefather

“Child rearing” sounds like something that’ll get you life in prison.

@novicefather

[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?

@novicefather

If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it’s a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.

@novicefather

My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.

@novicefather

her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep

me: k

her: *wakes up with no eyebrows

@novicefather

[cuddling]
her: what are you thinking about?
me: these pretzels are making me thirsty

@novicefather

Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.

@novicefather

[interview]

“Describe yourself in 5 words.”

me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.

@novicefather

[william shakespeare as an 8yo]

dad: bedtime

william: dost thou not…

dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!