*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
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*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
buying dead houseplants to save time
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”