“Child rearing” sounds like something that’ll get you life in prison.
3yo: daddy someone is texting you
[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?
3yo: what are you eating?
me: [mouthful of cookies] vegetables
If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it’s a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.
My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.
her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep
her: *wakes up with no eyebrows
her: what are you thinking about?
me: these pretzels are making me thirsty
Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.
“Describe yourself in 5 words.”
me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.
[william shakespeare as an 8yo]
william: dost thou not…
dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!