Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@novicefather : "Child rearing" sounds like something that'll get you life in prison.
@novicefather: [iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you
[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?
@novicefather: 3yo: what are you eating?
me: [mouthful of cookies] vegetables
"I'm not sure your experience is sufficient for this position."
me: Trump is president
"Touché, you're hired"
@novicefather: If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it's a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.
@novicefather: My grandma coined the term "TC" in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.
@novicefather: her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep
her: *wakes up with no eyebrows
her: what are you thinking about?
me: these pretzels are making me thirsty
@novicefather: Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.
"Describe yourself in 5 words."
me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.