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Page of novicefather's best tweets

@novicefather : "Child rearing" sounds like something that'll get you life in prison.

@novicefather: [iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?

@novicefather: 3yo: what are you eating?
me: [mouthful of cookies] vegetables

@novicefather: [interview]
"I'm not sure your experience is sufficient for this position."

me: Trump is president

"Touché, you're hired"

@novicefather: If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, odds are it's a vegan, black bean, veggie burger and my wife is cooking.

@novicefather: My grandma coined the term "TC" in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.

@novicefather: her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep

me: k

her: *wakes up with no eyebrows

@novicefather: [cuddling]
her: what are you thinking about?
me: these pretzels are making me thirsty

@novicefather: Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.

@novicefather: [interview]

"Describe yourself in 5 words."

me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.