I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
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Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.