Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
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Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Money is the root of all wealth
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.