[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
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I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.