It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
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My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
my one true gender
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
#polloftheday
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I don’t get marriage
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.