Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
You Might Also Like
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back