Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
what’s more important?
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
This is the one
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?