I know a bad idea when I see one.
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My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Children of the corn 🌽
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*