If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet