I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
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MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
#ParentingFacts
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*