Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
You Might Also Like
ready to be harvested
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
A dad and his duck
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out