“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
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*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I think about this a lot
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
When a shoelace touches your ankle
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?