Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
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Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?