Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
You Might Also Like
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
had to share :’)
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”