If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
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It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
🖤✌🏽
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire