You Might Also Like
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*