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Page of nyquills's best tweets

@nyquills : [Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what's good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i'mma throw two Bruce's up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about "i'm Batman"

Bruce: you're cruising for a Bruce-ing

@nyquills: Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

@nyquills: Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i'm a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch'em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

@nyquills: 21 year old me: i'll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

@nyquills: Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there's more?

@nyquills: Sherlock: You're a drinker, whiskey's your poison but mum doesn't approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it's too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say "Have a nice day."

@nyquills: Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it'll be too hot

God: c'mon man it's the weekend just shave em or something

@nyquills: boss: stop saying "see you soon" to every customer.

me: i'm confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep'em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

@nyquills: Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i'm a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

@nyquills: God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.