Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
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The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?