when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’