Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
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Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
the only bumper sticker ill allow