I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Son: *turns into bat
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Communication is hard
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
Squid Pro Quo