“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
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Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips