@obijawn

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

@obijawn

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

@obijawn

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

@obijawn

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

@obijawn

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

@obijawn

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

@obijawn

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

@obijawn

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?