Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?