You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
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how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Not my job 😂
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it