Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..