I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
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Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
got so much cardio in today
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.