If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
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Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.