*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
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SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
New tinder profile pic
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy