@offbeatoliv

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

@offbeatoliv

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

@offbeatoliv

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

@offbeatoliv

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

@offbeatoliv

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

@offbeatoliv

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

@offbeatoliv

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

@offbeatoliv

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

@offbeatoliv

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.