@offbeatoliv

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

@offbeatoliv

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

@offbeatoliv

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

@offbeatoliv

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

@offbeatoliv

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

@offbeatoliv

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

@offbeatoliv

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

@offbeatoliv

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

@offbeatoliv

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.