@offbeatoliv: The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she's pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
@offbeatoliv: I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
@offbeatoliv: I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
@offbeatoliv: Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party