I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.