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Page of offbeatoliv's best tweets

@offbeatoliv : Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

@offbeatoliv: [me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

@offbeatoliv: everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

@offbeatoliv: The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she's pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

@offbeatoliv: I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

@offbeatoliv: Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

@offbeatoliv: I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

@offbeatoliv: Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

@offbeatoliv: I like my coffee like my men...not in my colon...

@offbeatoliv: Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party