Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@offbeatoliv : Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
@offbeatoliv: [me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
@offbeatoliv: everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
@offbeatoliv: The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she's pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
@offbeatoliv: I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
@offbeatoliv: Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
@offbeatoliv: I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
@offbeatoliv: Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
@offbeatoliv: I like my coffee like my men...not in my colon...
@offbeatoliv: Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party